大家好。好久不见。
It’s September and I have to say, this year’s Independence Day celebration is the most underwhelming celebration for as long as I can remember. And I understand why, the current economy isn’t holding up too well – the government is stuck between saving lives or saving the economy. It’s kind of tone deaf to tell the citizens to hang flags in support of Independence day celebration when they could barely afford rice for dinner, but at the same time, this might (and this is a massive ‘might’) help distract people from continuous despair? I’m giving you the benefit of the doubt here.
My brother asked me what would I do in such a situation; whats the decision that I would make? The general populace tends to complain and criticize about every decision the government undertakes, so what would you favour: health or economy? Since I come from a medical background, securing the health of the populace is of utmost importance, and therefore I do agree if someone tells me that I am biased. But I do understand that without supporting the economy, you will have a bunch of healthy people who would starve. So it both boils down to a lose-lose situation. My only answer is that I’m glad I’m not a politician.
And cannibalism is not an option.
Onto more important things, I know I wanted to be more productive with buying a sketchbook. And I do say I have been more productive than ever before for the past few weeks. If I’m not sketching in the book, I will be sketching on the computer. But recent events have hampered this progress – more like I’m curbing myself and giving all sorts of excuses but oh well. The 2022 NRMP Match is coming soon and to say that I am stressed out like crazy is an understatement. I am literally freaking out about something which hasn’t even happened yet and about my future when it is really something that I can’t control. And I need to tell myself this everyday to calm myself before I binge eat cake and drink a gallon of tea as a coping mechanism.
Looking at the programs available for a specialty that I aim to join, what I thought was simple was actually more complicated than I thought it was. But I’m already one foot in and one foot out. I consulted my family; they told me to just go for it – in case it doesn’t work out, just shrug it off and move forward. The alternative is me regretting it years and years down the line and that thing haunts you in your sleep.
But at this most important time did I suddenly have doubts creeping into my mind about the future of the specialty that I wanted to join – which is pathology. Suddenly, I have the urge to pursue pediatrics. Pediatrics. That one field of medicine that I tried for years and years to run away from after I was forcefully incorporated into it after finishing housemanship. I will be lying to you if I tell you I don’t miss it. I do. But I think, and I’d like to hope this is true, that the thing that I miss was actually the camaraderie and the teamwork that we had where we ride and die together. Not the work itself.
I consulted a lot of people asking their opinions. And received mixed reviews. Each with their own pros and cons – which I won’t delve in here because I believe it is a sensitive issue. Each specialty fiercely defended themselves and say what they believe is true, and rightfully so. I believe that you should enjoy your work, because otherwise, it will be an absolute chore to wake up in the morning to face the endless grind. I asked the opinion of non-medical acquaintances and they told me (aside from prayer) to choose whichever makes me a better person.
I believe both fields make me a better person but in different ways.
You might be thinking – why am I asking other people’s opinion about what option should I choose for my own life. Sad cringe. Well, now that we’ve come to this part of this suddenly long blog segment and you are still reading, I’d like you to know that I am someone who never has an own opinion for myself and has always gone with the flow with whatever opportunity comes to me. Surprise, surprise. There are only a few decisions that I took in my life what was genuinely my own, and needless to say, some have said that I have some pretty dumb decision making capabilities because of my extreme naivety. One of them was deciding to do housemanship in Sabah to exert independence. And eh, it wasn’t bad bad but there are certain events in my life over there that I would pay money to erase it from my memory.
It amazes me how some doctors are already dead set on what to specialize in, even during undergraduate years. Maybe because I never chose to go to medical school in the first place, so I became pretty aloof about this? Like, how can you be so sure of yourself? I have always had the principle that so long as whatever I’m doing makes everyone happy, then I felt happy to do it. And I have always hold onto the principle that I need to experience what working in that particular field feels like because I know that what’s nice on paper does not translate well in real life. During housemanship years, you have an aim to just finish within the allotted time, but after leveling up into medical officer-tier due to sheer duration of service, suddenly that end game isn’t there anymore and you’re ‘free’ to choose what you want to specialize in.
(‘Free’ because, let’s be real, I never asked for this. And there are a lot of us who are forced to do something we don’t like. And let’s not go into the absolute mess of a situation which is ‘contract doctors’.)
But then it comes to a point of my life that I can’t help make the people around me happy without a significant blow to my own sanity. There’s only so much I can sing and dance for them before I have to stand my ground and tell them to piss off or I might just kick the bucket. The sleepless nights, the anxiety, the blaming, the finger pointing, the constant deflecting, the abuse of the victim card. That was what made me quit. Not the work. Bro, I was prepared to work hard – I never expected my life to be a bed of roses anyway – but stop it with the emotional manipulation. They told me that this is rooted everywhere, no matter where you go, this is the culture. But surely, the grass is greener on the other side?
And in the end, there are no answers to all of these questions no matter how long I think or ponder. Or rather, there are no right answers. All I can say is maybe I should start thinking of what makes me happy. Ironically, I don’t believe true happiness is ever achievable, but instead, only contentment and gratitude in what you have in your life.
Thanks for reading.
x150851 Doesn't Have A Name 